Broken Family: Twitter Thread

Sometimes you just cannot control the feelings. Sonetimes kahit anong tago mo nandyan oa rin talaga and hindi talaga natin yan matatakbuhan. Kahit take it or leave it na kasabihan e walang binatbat. So here’s a thread I twitted. Nagpapakatotoo lang. Nagve-vent out lang. And I must admit this is one of the reasons why I am disappointed.

hohoho! I’m BAcK!!!

After a year without blogging, I am FINALLY back! :]

It feels really good na MAY TIME na ako makapag blog ulit. Andaming nangyari sa buhay ko at ang naging comfort zone ko ay ang magtrabaho ng magtrabaho… dahil alam nyo naman ang buhay dito sa abroad, kung di natin lalakasan at titibayan ang loob natin ay wala tayong mapapala sa ating pakiki-baka sa buhay.

hayyyy Kung mapapansin nyo, ang last post ko dito sa blog e about sa trabaho ko.  (See my another blog here, kasi dati mas active ako dito: ldrandlife.wordpress.com)      
Well, after posting that, siguro few weeks later super nagka problema ako sa trabaho na yun. Yung sa sobrang happy ko kasi at babaw ng kaligayahan  ko dun rin  pala ako bumagsak. I want to share that story to another blog pero gusto ko lang kayo mabigyan ng idea about dun dito sa blog ko. Pero iku-kwento ko rin  talaga yun soon. Kaya abangan nyo. Hehe.

So anywayyyy, andami kong chika! Isa na dun ang good news ko na hindi na kami LDR mag-asawa! Salamat sa Lord!  Yung mga super busy days and nights ko at mga sleepless nights ko super worth it! Napakasaya ko. Hehe. Dami kong pasabog sa blog na itooo at iisa isahin ko talaga yan lahat!

Kaya heto na guyyyys, bago ko tapusin ang maikli kong come back blog, babatiin ko na rin  kayo ng Merry Christmas!!! 

Telepono

Bawat tawag ko ay parang "I love you"
At ang pagsagot mo ay understood ko na, na
"I love you too."
Hindi ako magsasawang gawin ito
Dahil kahit wala kang internet,
salamat sa Telepono.

CHOOSE HAPPINESS

Sino bang hindi namomroblema? Lahat naman tayo may kanya-kanyang pinagdadaanan sa buhay, yung pinagdadaanan mong yan, naku, maswerte ka pa at iyan lang ang isipin mo sa ngayon! Maging masaya ka, kasi walang makaka-agaw nun sayo

Isa lang yung napatunayan ko eh, lahat pala talaga natututunan. Totoo yan. Nung medyo kabataan ko pa, I mean teenage to 21y/o, hanep, ibang iba ang perspective ko nun sa buhay. I mean, eto naman na talaga ako and I know my self more than anyone else in the world could know me and kahit pala kilala ko na ang sarili ko, hindi pa rin tama ang ilang mga desisyong nagagawa ko sa buhay ko. That’s why yung phrase na “Papunta ka lang, pabalik na ako.” Eh na imbento. Nauunawaan ko na yun ng husto ngayon. Dahil as we grow up, as we mature, maiisip mo na lang na “Shit, ang tanga ko nung kabataan ko.” And remember that is totally OK. 😂 Lahat nadaan dyan. Hindi tayo matututo kung di tayo magkakamali.

So yun nga mga bes, Choose Happiness. Ang ibig sabihin ko dyan, let go of what makes you feel unimportant. Kung may jowa ka, at lagi kayong magka-away, and you feel that he is not worth your time dahil di nya nagagawa yung mga bagay na makakapagpasaya sayo, wag kang malungkot, please. Walang may kasalanan. He/She is loving you the way he knows how to love you and you want to be loved the way you liked to be but he cannot. Let go mo na Bes. You will never appreciate him/her kahit pa anong gawin mo.
OR ELSE, you will adjust to the situation. Mag-isip ka, gusto mo bang magkaroon ng peace of mind? Mahal mo sya di ba at gusto mo masaya kayo? Kaya mo na bang maging happy sa kung ano lang ang kaya nyang gawin for your relationship? Do you promise that you can stop comparing him/her to other people out there who you think is an “Ideal Couple”?

Kasi yung totoong Happiness, makukuha mo yun and nobody will give you that. It all starts within you. Kung hindi perpekto ang partner mo, ikaw rin naman. Di ka nya mapasaya, how sure are you that you are doing your best just to make him/her happy?
Yes baka nageeffort ka nga, yes baka gumagastos ka nga, but yung mga nagagawa nya, nakita mo ba? Kelan nga ulit yung last time na na-appreciate mo sya?

Rule No.2, Kung feel mo hindi nyo naappreciate ang isa’t-isa. Let go na.

Another situation,

Stressful ang work, studies, kahit sa bahay, yung mga barkada mo at kaibigan, they are all giving you stress. Still, choose happiness. Kung may masamang nangyare, kung may mga bagay na hindi nangyayare the way you EXPECTED, think of yourself first. The moment na may nangyaring nakakaasar, it is either it is your choice or napasabit ka lang. You cannot control the bad times Bes, kagaya lang yan ng mga unexpected blessings sa buhay natin, you will never know when it will come. That’s why, accept the things you cannot control and do not hold on to it. Kung pasaway sila, let them. You cannot make them stop doing the things they like to do. Iisipin mo wala silang consideration? Okay, maybe and maybe not. Divert your mind to another things. Madami pa dyang pwedeng pagka abalahan. Magsulat ka, manahi ka ng damit mong nabutas, magcolor ka ng coloring book, maglista ka ng places na gusto mong puntahan then be inspired. Kailangan maging busy ang utak mo lalo na when you are alone and when you feel alone. Magisip ka na lang kung paano gaganda pa ang buhay mo rather than how to make them stop doing what they are doing. Eventually, they will stop when they feel like. Don’t make something or someone forcibly miss you, because if they are ready, they will look for you.
Okay na Bes? Hehe.

Choose happiness. And you will be free.

Kung di ka pa maka-move on

Para sa mga babaeng broken, nagpatawad pero hindi makalimot, nasasaktan pa rin, in short, sa mga hindi maka-move on,

Kumusta? Ganon pa rin? Okay ngayon, tapos mamaya kapag solo ka na lang maiisip mo na naman. Mapapangiti na lang o minsan mapapailing, kasi naman, kahit tinanggap mo na, masakit pa rin.
Alam ko na kapag kasama mo sya, masaya ka at kuntento, pero kapag hindi na sya matanaw ng mata mo, o kapag alam mong sobrang layo na ninyo, andyan na naman ang kalaban ng kasiyahan mo. Overthinking.

Nakakaiyak isipin, pero ang sarap iiyak, ano? Sige lang. Ilabas mo lang yung nararamdaman mo. Kasi kapag hindi mo hinarap ang nararamdaman mo hindi naman yan mawawala, lalo lang yang lalala. Lalo ka lang makakaramdam ng galit, poot, hinakakit kapag pinigilan mo. Ifeel mo lang yang sakit na yan dahil hindi ka magiging masaya kung hindi mo yan mararamdaman eh.
Hindi mahalaga kung mag-isa ka lang ngayon. Hindi mahalaga kung walang handang makinig sa'yo, minsan sapat na yung sarili mo lang para mailabas ang mga nararamdaman mo. Humarap ka sa salamin at kausapin mo ang sarili mo. Hindi ka baliw, normal ka. AT Okay lang mapag-isa.

Enjoyin mo ang sarili mo at magpakalaya ka. Be confident,magsaya ka ng hindi ka bumabawi, magsaya ka ng may good intentions, magsaya ka because you deserve the most special treatment for yourself more than what you can give to others. Alam kong pagod ka na, pero ang totoong nagmamahal sayo, hahanapin ka.

Minsan sa buhay natin kailangan natin masaktan. Kung sinasaktan ka nila, hayaan mo sila, magpasalamat ka kasi ibang iba ka sa kanila. Mas mabuti kang tao. Pagpapalain ka, at sila they will get a day they always deserve.  Minsan kailangan rin natin yung magtiis dahil ang kapalit noon ay sobra-sobrang kaligayahan. Walang libre sa mundo, kaya lahat ng bagay dala ng hindi natin pagiging perpekto, eh hindi natin makukuha ng buong buo kung kaligayahan lang ang pagbabasehan mo. Lahat may kapalit.

Nakakapagtaka ano, ang bait mo naman, mabuti ka namang tao pero nasaktan ka pa rin. Pinaasa ka pa rin, pinaiyak ka pa rin. Yung mga inaapi daw ang Paborito ng Dios. Yung mga mapagkumbaba, kasi sila yung may gift na magmahal ng paulit ulit at magpatawad ng walang sawa. Kaya lang naman tayo nasasaktan dahil sa ating PRIDE. Lagi kong sinasabi, madami pa pala tayong kakaining bigas para mas maunawaan ang buhay, hindi rin pala; kahit pala kakaunting bigas pa lang ang kainin mo, basta mababa ang loob mo at maunawain ka, gagaan ang lahat. Daanin na lang natin sa positive way ang mga ito. Lilipas rin.

Hindi ka naniniwala na lilipas rin?

Hehe. May mga bagay na wala tayong control at ang kailangan lang natin eh sabayan ang agos. Kung hindi mo na mahal, iwanan mo, kung di ka na sasaya sa kanya, wag mo na lokohin ang sarili mo. Ngayon, kung nasasaktan ka at mahal na mahal mo, at kung aalis ka na pero hindi nya binibitawan ang kamay mo kasabay ng mga pangakong "Hindi na kita sasaktan Mahal ko." Bigyan mo ng pagkakataon ang taong ito.
Dahil sa hinaba-haba ng proseso ng lovelife ng tao, minsan lang tayo magiging masaya ng puro.

Midnight Thoughts

Sabi ko noon, I know everything already. Sabi ko noon, I am better already.
Kada taon, ganoon. And now, I can still say that I am the better version of myself than yesterday. Kulang lang talaga ako minsan sa self-appreciation. Nangyayari talaga yun lalo na kapag dumadaan ang challenges sa buhay. And that is tearing me down. Kay God lang ako nakapit to restore my self esteem kasi when I am down, I cannot appreciate myself. Dun na nagsisimulang hanapin ko ang importance ko from other people. Which I later on realized eh, slightly wrong. (Hehe not very sure pa rin eh ano?)

Eh kasi yun naman talaga ang nature ng psychology natin kapag down, hinahanap ang importance sa iba. Bulag na bulag na eh at kinakain ng sistema, pero hopefully, sooner or later makikita mo rin yun sa sarili mo. And that long lost feeling when it get back, is the greatest feeling ever existed. Kung naaappreciate mo ang sarili mo you will appreciate others too. Very nice huh.

Naisip ko lang, last year I am super worried about my future. Wala namang masama magworry but then yung super worried ay nagiging paranoid na rin ako and that does not help me grow. Lalo na kapag yung mga tao sa paligid mo eh tinotolerate pa ang pagiging ganyan mo.
Sometimes, we need people that will tell us to "stop". Yung tipong pag sinabi nila wala ka ng choice kundi sumunod, dahil alam mo na rin sa sarili mo na kelangan mo nang tumigil pero di mo magawa. Those people are the people that you appreciate the most. Kasi kung hindi, hindi ka na naman makikinig. 😂
LOL what are you going to do without them kaya. Just wondering. Well at least, little by little, you might feel you need to learn it by yourself too. And that's nice.

I just remember my boyfriend tonight. I really can see him as a blessing to me. Hiningi ko sya kay God. I know that he is coming to me before and I love the fact that he is getting closer to me kaya hinangad ko na rin sya. Since my feeling is genuine kaya hindi na talaga ako nagdalawang isip. I know I love him. I know that person will help me grow. I know that he is the one I have been looking for. And the things I did to keep him? I never realized that I am going to be the best version of me. Nagsipag pa lalo, nagkaroon ng pagmamahal sa sarili while loving him too, basta naging open ako sa pagbabago na noon ay saradong sarado ang utak ko. If I could only have more time with him sa Pinas, nagawa ko na.
Pero dahil parehas nga kaming OFW, seaman sya at landbased naman ako, hindi kami magkasama ng matagal.

Sinulat ko 'to kasi, sometimes hindi ko makita ang worth ko. At sa almost 2 years ko ng nag aabroad akala ko wala pa akong nagagawa. Hindi ko lang talaga kasi hilig bilangin ang mga bagay na nagagawa ko at lagi kong iniisip na "wala ako" dahil I want to stay humble as possible. Pero on the other hand, depende naman pala talaga yun. Hindi naman ako mahilig mag-bida sa tao ng mga nagagawa ko. Enough na yung alam ko sa sarili ko. Feeling ko kasi hindi pa yun dapat ipagmalaki, pero para sa sarili ko ngayon kapag down ako, dapat pala isaisahin ko yun sa isip ko. Wala akong dahilan para ma-down. Andami ko na palang nagawa. Andami ko na palang natulungan. And what are they going to do without me? This 22 year old adult did a lot already. Minsan wala rin masamang mag-feel good sa sarili. Masarap rin sa pakiramdam to the point na hindi naman ako nagmamalaki ha. I just like it when I can see these people happy because of me. Ang sarap lang sa pakiramdam ng makapagpasaya ka kahit hindi ako araw-araw masaya. They will remember me. Yun ang mahalaga sakin. Yun ang reward na natatanggap ko, yung LOVE, appreciation at genuineness ng iba. Kahit hindi mismong sa kanila galing ang bumabalik sakin pero si God binibiyayaan pa rin ako.

Mababaw lang ang kaligayahan ko at sana lagi akong ganoon. Sana magkaroon ako ng soft heart. Sana maging mas madali akong magpatawad. Sana mas maging mabait pa ako. Sana mas maging appreciative pa ako. Sana mas makita ko pa lahat ng goodness in life. Sana tumatak ako sa buhay ng mga taong nakapaligid sakin. Sana, kahit ganito lang ako, hindi sila magsawang magmahal at magpakatotoo saakin.

Thank you Lord at ganito ako. I love you po!

Untitled

Everyday, I met random people in different situations.
I love talking to elders, because I can get some ideas and knowledge that can help me grow as an individual.

Most of the time, i am asking for their love lifes.
One old woman looks very young in her 60's and yes she is a Spanish. She is living alone in her house and I asked where is her husband. She said he died few years ago.
But you know what, she looks young and always smiling. She looks happy.

I ask what is her secret knowing that when someone you love passed away hurts really bad. She answered briefly,

Acceptance.

There are things that we cannot change, she said. Life is short to make everything complicated.

...

Another old woman I know is divorced.
Almost same age with the first old woman. But she looks strict and likes criticism that much. Sometimes she is pissing me off. But she is also nice.
I met her ex-husband one time and he is very funny person. Opposite of what his ex-wife has.
I guess she is not happy. I guess there is a lot of things happened before. I guess she never accepted life. Or i don't know. There are people who can handle problmes and struggles very well and there are people who can not.

Life is unfair? Maybe. Maybe not. We are all human beings. We are not perfect. We just need to choose how to deal with everything.

The key is in our hand.

-Vhey Razon
July 24, 2016
Arturo Soria, Madrid, Spain

When we wish...

Sabi nga, nasa Dios ang awa at nasa tao ang gawa.

It is true. Minsan hiling tayo ng hiling:
"LORD ibigay mo sakin ang taong para sakin."
"LORD gusto ko 'nun. Ibigay mo sakin yun."
"LORD willing ako maghintay, pero gusto ko talaga magawa yun."

Let's analyze. Minsan sa kaiintay natin natatapos na ang oras at wala pa rin nangyayari. Hindi porke ginawa mong humiling, maghihintay ka na lang. We also need to move. Kumilos. He will provide the woods and you have to build the home. He will give you water but you have to find your own glass.
Parang ganun. Bueno, kanya kanya naman tayo ng opinyon when it comes to things like this, lalo na at kanya-kanya naman talaga tayo ng paniniwala. But the bottomline is you always have to move. Gusto mo ng lovelife, maghanap ka. It depends on your priorities anyway if you feel you need it lang naman. Some people do not need lovelife for now. Some people do. It depends nga.

Kung nakita mo na finally ang bagay o tao na gusto mo at magpapasaya sayo, you have to do something about it. Risk. What's for you will eventually be for you. And if it is not, it is going to be a good experience or a lesson. Still, you're not going to be left empty. Minsan kasi aalis sa atin ang isang tao at akala natin walang wala na tayo, PERO, look beyond that o kung hindi mo makita beyond, look at your back. What do you have there? Appreciate everything that is going on. Minsan hiniling mo, binigay sayo at nawala, hindi pa dun natatapos ang lahat. Believe HIM.

If we are going to be afraid to get hurt, lost, cry over someone or something, to be left behind, then ano ang mga bagay na hindi mo kinatatakutan?
:)

Trust and Faith

Minsan dadating tayo sa point na hindi na natin kayang magtiwala. As in pati sarili nating desisyon sa buhay, hindi na natin mapanindigan.
Madalas kaya tayo palaging beast mode. Madalas kaya tayo palaging nakakasakit or nasasaktan.
Madalas kaya tayo nagiging undecided o naguguluhan.

"May tiwala pa ba tayo sa tao? May tiwala pa ba tayo sa ating mga sarili?"

Hirap ano? Hirap nating hanapin ang landas natin lalo kapag walang wala na tayong makita. Puro failures at disappointments na lang ang nangunguna.

Kaya tayo madaling ma-fall eh. Kapag sa ating mga madidilim na araw eh may nagpakita saatin na maliwanag naman pala ang buhay. Blessing ito kahit hindi pa naman natin sure kung ano ang kahihinatnan. Wala lang. Basta naniniwala lang tayong blessing 'yun. Dahil hiniling natin 'yun kay Papa Jesus at dumating naman. Naniniwala tayo sa Kanya eh.

Kaya aalagaan natin ang lahat lahat at gagawin natin ang best natin. Kasi we believe na galing 'to sa Panginoon. That person is from Jesus. Normally, wala naman talagang taong dadaan sa buhay natin na wala lang. Or depende din talaga, masyado kasi akong palaisip kaya ko naiisip 'to. But in case you have no idea and you always want to play safe as always, sana maisip mo na.

"Everything happens for a reason. If the lesson is not for you, maybe it is for them."

Oo. Minsan kasi ginagamit din tayong instrument ng Panginoon to help someone. Pero di ka nya gagamitin king alam nyang di mo kaya. Galing nya ano? Paano mo napapagbago ang buhay ng isang gago, este tao. Hehe.
Wag ka munang mamangha. Antayin mo pa ang next move ni Papa God. Tiwala ka lang talaga sa kanya. 💙

Why I'd rather write.

Expressing (emotions) is never easy. It never was. It will took you madaming hugot of lakas ng loob just to type and post your thoughts.
(Pero it depends na rin. You know, minsan may mga posts na hindi muna iniisip bago ilabas, and I will not talk about that. Hehe.)
Syempre bago mo ishare, mapapaisip ka muna kung madami bang matutuwa sa posts mo or what. But believe me, if your posts or blog is really from your heart, hindi ka magdadalawang isip i-share.

Kasi it is your happiness. You are talking about YOU. And happiness is real when shared sabi nga sa isang qoutation. Hindi naman mababawasan ang kaligayahan mo kapag sinabi mo sa iba. Minsan nga hindi mo alam, nakaka-inspire ka na pala ng iba. Minsan hindi mo alam madami na palang naga-abang sa mga kwento mo.

Hindi naman porke nag-share ka eh wala ka ng privacy. You know you are inteligent enough to choose what to post. Wala pa yan sa 1/8 ng nalalaman nila sa kabuoan ng buhay mo. You only do it because you're happy doing it. And you want to be remembered. You want to inspire.(Kunyare sarili ko na lang ang ang kinakausap ko. Hehe)

Ako talaga ang tipo ng tao na ayoko masyadong ipakita ang sarili ko at ang mga naiisip ko sa iba, mas gusto ko pang isulat. I do not easily listen sa opinyon ng iba because I know what I am doing. But, there are times na I need to talk too. May social life din naman ako at madaming kaibigan. Minsan kasi drained ka na at ayaw mo na rin kausapin ang sarili mo.
I also realized, when you have personal problems, sarilinin mo na lang.
I know your friends are always willing to help you naman. They are always there but sometimes, minsan, ikaw at ikaw lang din naman ang makakatulong sa sarili mo. I mean, hindi pala sometimes, most of the time pa nga eh.
Or kung hindi mo na talaga kaya, we always have one friend that understands us. Wag mo na ipaalam pa sa iba.

You should lift yourself up and wag kang magpahila sa baba. Ang opinyon mo eh mahalin mo at wag kang makikinig sa iba. Good or bad, atleast sayo yan. Atleast wala kang sisisihin.

Masaya. Masaya ang mabuhay sa sariling mundo. Masaya ang wala kang kinaiilangan, at wala kang pakialam sa sasabihin ng iba. Masarap magpakatotoo.

Mas gusto ko pa talagang isulat na lang ang mga nararamdaman ko kesa mag share sa tao ng as in personal talks. Dito wala kang judgment, dito walang bad vibes, dito malaya ka. Magro-grow ka naman din kahit di mo iexplain ang sarili mo sa iba.

Love yourself first, tapos saka na sila.

💙

Not the same feeling anymore 💜

In the first 5 months of our amazing relationship, I can't deny that I became super inspired and feeling loved everyday of my life.

The 6th month is the happiest, because finally we can hug and kiss each other unlimited! Oh how I wish I can do it again right now!

I have been waiting for this feeling to come again and having Faith to God Almighty, here I am. Blogging how HAPPY I am. (THANKS GOD NAOVERCOME KO. HAHA!)

I know we are going to fight and argue over things. I LOVE how we argue. That kind of "sagutan" without bad words, sagutan with sense, sagutan with feelings, that is what I like. True. He always amazes me. I know he loves me a lot that's why he's like this to me.
💜

In 2months mahigit na he is in Pinas he never failed to check me up, update me on what he is doing, (except those days na naiyamot na ako sakanya at ako na ang hindi nagparamdam dahil I can feel he is testing how much I love him and so I did, tinest ko din sya kung hanggang saan ang patience nya sa akin.), maximum times of video call and call is 3x a month 15mins or less. All chats. Pero walang palya, kahit na magkaaway kami araw araw may message. 10 pogi points.
Imagine how can you trust a person thru chats lang. Haha. But I did. I do trust him. Ayokong pahirapan ang sarili ko and sya. I know the KEY is in ME. 💜

WE BOTH made a mistake, nagkamali sya, nagkamali ako. In the end, walang natalo, patas ang laban. Niloko nya ako? Hindi, kasi hindi ako nagpaloko. Magkaiba 'yon.
Ang nagpaloko eh when you did not do anything about it. Yung hinayaan mo na lang.

So anyway, hindi ko na sya mahal. Mahal na mahal na mahal ko na sya, like he is a platelet sa aking blood na as in dumadaloy sa aking ugat.

He always do his best na patunayan saakin how much he love me. He even insisted on having shared account in Facebook. 💜 Ang haba haba ng hair ko.

I fell in love with his mind. With him. I respect him being a Man. I do not want to remove his manhood just because of my ego. He knows what he is doing and he needs me to support him.

If you're his friend and you are reading this, there is more about him I know.

Magaan ang pakiramdam ko kasi pagkagising ko kanina, parang may masamang espiritu na umalis sa katawan ko. Haha! And then I can finally say,

"Eto na ang hinihintay ko. I'm back on track!"

So I want to THANK GOD sa lahat ng ito.

Girls, if you want to feel the same way i feel? Appreciate and do not count what you do. Lagi akong ganito kay Kerk na goodvibes. Alam nyo yun,  pero siguro yung mindset ko na I hate Pinas because I am not there, that is killing me. And that almost kill me. And never will I want to feel that again. Parang kagabi lang, I am about to cry dahil nahohomesick ako and all. Pero bago ako matulog, naiiyak ako kasi di ko alam na kaya ko palang magmahal ng taong kagaya nya.

He's my ONE. And if he is not, I'll make a way.

When he tell me his feelings

I know that God has plans and tests in our lives. It is not always OK, it is not always ALRIGHT. We are going to hurt each other by words, emotionally, unintentionally and many more. But these things are not going to happen without any reason. What we need to do is to hold on.

Look for goodness. Sometimes when everything seems shattered, we tend to stop what we always wanted to do. We are always in the dark corner and we stop appreciating. We tend to be blind and focus more on the bad.
Don't. The time when you started to feel that your boy/girl doesn't deserve your love anymore, that is the right time for them to feel your love more and more. Like 2x than before. They are just losing their minds and going crazy with few things that surrounds them. They are being bothered by bad influences.  Remember where it all began. We both deserved to be loved and if we feel we deserved each other, we must pull ourselves back.

Anyway, 18 days of sacrifices I can say. He has been the most stubborn human being ever existed. I hated him for that days and loved him at the same time. The only man who made me feel love and hate in one. I cannot even imagine that was possible. Anyway, he almost kneeled down to get me back (I never left him tho he just felt that I am near to walking away. Good Job! He has feelings!)

He started sharing his feelings again. How he got bored, bothered by things, worried of little stuffs, hate something, everything! That is what I loved about him tho. If a key to a man's heart is thru his stomach then for ME, a key to my heart is thru a guy's true feelings. I love it when a man is sharing. It's a turn on. I love reading behaviors and minds. I can know him easily by that.

Before I ended it, I want to share a line from a bible verse.

"Love keeps no records of wrongs"
1 Corinthians 13:5

It is true without being exaggerated. Sometimes it hurts to remember a bad past, but it only lasts for a second because everytime I have doubts, I share it with the Lord and not with my guy. Hehe..that is so effective, you must try.
Amen! 💙

What can you do to save your LDR Love?

Hell weeks. This is what we have encountered. Hanep sa challenges. He is living his own life, i do not care, what I care about is our relationship. Really. It is okay to go on with your life, what isn't okay is if one of us forgets our responsibilities to each other. Being committed is a responsibility. You cannot just go on with what you know that is only for you (not all the time). We are ONE. Teamwork is a MUST.

So while he is too busy doing his stuffs, he forgot about me. I hate when people are in their own comfort zones then easily forgot how lonely it is when outside. I am going crazy for real. It feels like I want the whole him and not just 1/4 of him. I am not pulling him, I just want to feel him and he wants to go away. So then, I realized to look for other happiness. One that he cannot give to me for the moment. He noticed then wants me to come back and focus more on him. Which is unfair on the other side. But one thing is clear, he do not want me to leave and me neither. I just moved on a bit of inch to know if I am still important. I danced with his music, and he doesn't want the way I danced with it. So he adjusted. I just hope that he can stand it. Because for me it is not that easy though.

Happiness is always there. It will never leave if you will hold on to it.
Do not talk or share what's personal to other people. Only few knows you, others will give opinions and theirs will not help you that much.

If you want to have peace of mind, as a girl, a woman in LDR, PRAY. Say everything to the LORD. He is the One who will really help you all through out. Not your boyfriend, not your friends. GOD will use them as His instrument and that's it.  When I have doubts, I used to tell it to God. Sometimes, it is better to be innocent than knowing everything at the wrong time. If there is something wrong, you'll feel it. God will not let you live your life filled of wrong doings.

Hindi laging happy

LDR. Kakaiba. Puro tiis at hirap. Puro overthinking na hindi maiiwasan lalo kapag pagod ka sa trabaho. Puro away at tampuhan na akala mo laging mauuwi sa break-up. Puro sumbatan ay hingian ng oras, na kapag di ka mapagbigyan agad feeling mo di ka na mahalaga. Puro selos na hindi maiiwasan lalo kapag nakikita mong mas masaya pa sya sa kaibigan nya kaysa saiyo. Masakit yon dahil FEELING mo, hindi sya sayo nakuha ng SAYA.
Pero aminin mo, dahil sa pagmamahal mo, lahat ito bukal sa loob mong pinaglalaban at kinakaya.

LDR. Napakasarap isiping may nagmamahal sayo sa malayo. Napakasarap isipin na kahit di kayo nagkakaroon ng physical contact, mahal nyo pa rin ang isat isa. Napakasarap isipin na lagi tayong may hinihintay-Ang Makasama sya.
Napakasarap isipin na nagmamahal ka ng iba, at nagkakaoras ka sa sarili mo. Napakasarap isipin na alam mong hindi ka nagiisa.

LDR. Kalaban natin ay oras na 12hrs, 6hrs, 3hrs pagitan. Kalaban natin ay puyat at antok. Kalaban natin ay ang internet connection. Kalaban natin ay ang araw na hindi natin sila nakukumusta man lang. Kalaban natin ay ang mga guni-guni na bumubulong sa ating isipan. Kalaban na hindi mananalo sa ating totoo at buong pagmamahalan.

LDR. Hindi laging masaya. Kung yun ngang magkasama nagaaway pa ano pa kaya tayo na tao lang din naman.
LDR na hindi man nga laging masaya, bawing bawi naman kapag naulit na ang pagsasama.

*time is gold..wag tayo mag aksaya ng kras sa arguments na dala lang ng pansariling emosyon. LDR helps us to grow more. LDR helps us to be MATURE.*

SED (a poem)

Spanish ang pamagat, tagalog ang hugot

Bago ako matulog

Before I sleep...pa-post muna ng isa kung gaano ako ka Thankful ngayong araw na to. Last day na ng February.
Kada 4 yrs lang daw may 29 kaya gagawin kong memorable ang araw na 'to.
2nd month ko ng walang day off (as usual di naman ako agad nakakatulog kapag umuuwi s bahay galing part time) and I am still fine and feeling blessed. Pinipikit ko ang mata ko at fine-feel ko kung gaano ako pasalamat sa lahat. Hindi ko na maisa-isa, really.
Pero may dalawang tao akong gustong i-highlight sa post ko.

I was talking to Mama kanina lang, sabi ko "Ma, kausap ko si Kerk kanina kaso, konti lang yung time mahal na nga ang net nya, lalo pa nagmahal nagbago na kasi." Her response was, "Buti nga at may internet na. Noon nga anak, 2weeks bago matanggap ng magkasintahan ang mga love letter minsan higit pa lalo at nasa abroad, eh nagkakatuluyan rin eh." Uso daw noon ang love letters at penpal.
Ilang beses ako diniscourage ng parents ko noon s pagnonobyo na iyan at napasok pa ko noon. But ngayon ibang iba na...isa na rin si Mama sa nagpapalakas ng loob ko araw-araw. Sya ang lakas ko rin. Hindi ko alam ang hitsura ko kung wala siya dito. Na noon akala kong kaya ko ng mag-isa. Dahil ilang taon ko naman na siya hindi nakasama. Independent naman ako, pero, iba pa rin ang "Mama".
Ang sarap sa feeling nung nakikita mong masaya ang Mama mo dahil masaya ka sa ginagawa mo at sa nangyayare sa buhay mo at nagagawa mo ang lahat gracefully. Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever felt your self worth? Well, you should feel it. You are precious. Tapos mas maaappreciate mo pa lalo ang mga tao sa paligid mo kapag alam mo ang halaga mo. Humbly saying.

Sa twing magkakatampuhan kami ni Mama at tyempong online si Kerk, nagoopen ako sakanya. Pinagsasabihan ako. "Dadalawa na lang kayo dyan, magkakatampuhan pa kayo."
Minsan sasabihin ko, hindi naman yata proud sakin si Mama di ata ako mahal. Sasabihin ni Kerk, "Akala mo lang iyon. Mahal ka noon."
Kapag nagke-crave ako sa cheesecake, or hamburger at bibili ako, laging sinasabi ni Kerk, "Bilhan mo rin ang Mama mo at baka gusto rin."
Hindi nya alam, pansing pansin ko ang mga salita nya. Makes me love and appreciate him more. Ako lang daw ang babaeng nakapagsabi sakanya na mabait sya. Hehe. But he really is. Baka bulag yung iba...salamat at bulag sila at pinalampas ka. Akin ka na ngayon. :P

I am thankful. Sila yung mga nagpapalakas ng loob ko araw araw. Lagi kong sasabihin sa kanila kung gaano ko sila kamahal. Araw araw hanggang sa maumay sila sa I love you ko. Hehe. Kasi I am afraid of time. Time, hindi mo na maiibalik yon eh once natapos na ang araw.

For that, Amen! Maraming Salamat Panginoon! Thank you!

Masyado ng mahaba. Haha. Good night! ❤❤

LDR on the other side

Long Distance Relationship. I can define it in different perspectives. Really. 

Most of the time,I found it really helpful. Lonely, yes if you used to be with someone you love for years and then you have to be apart. 

But IF ONLY you would look around, there is more to life. I mean, you will not stick around the situation and be lonely for a long time. It is normal to feel the loneliness and feel like you are a loner, but if you are working and you feel like you have more to do with your life, then LDR could be a blessing in disguise. Well,still it is up to you on how you will see it but then, based on my experiences, I learned. I can say I matured a little than before. Those stress can change you for the better. 

Maybe I can say this because as of the of the moment I don't have a problem with my boyfriend. You can think about that. I will not force you to believe me but, it is not about how he treats me, sometimes it is also about how I see myself as a girlfriend, a person, an individual, a human and a woman. 

It is about knowing my worth. I know I deserved to be happy so I must claim it.

Humbly saying, I already saw my self super down and I dont want to see my self like that again. I need to help my self too. Skip all those overthinking, wake up every morning without worrying because I choose not to, because I know someone will love me the way I do. The process is not easy. It took me a lot of time to trust a person whom I did not seen for years or months. It is difficult. I am investing a feeling that I am not sure if I will get the same as a payback. The first question I asked myself is- "Can I really take it again?" 

I answered YES. " Can you now handle whatever is yet to come?" Can you feel the true love?" All is yes. And I am happy to say. 

I cannot believe that sometimes, no, most of the times I am alone with my thoughts, I want to share some ideas to my boyfriend but he is not there, little by little, I am getting used to it in a positive way. It helps me a lot and I know I can help him too. If I am feeling super lonely I know he feels double. Just like a girl, boys have feelings too and they like keeping it to themselves. The battle is not only for me but it is for US. We are two here, I cannot fight alone. I believe that if I will only make everything so much more complicated then we are going to fall down like dominoes. The woman is always the one who will hold the situation, the man is there to support but the woman holds the rest. It is not unfair, it is teamwork. So I do not feel upset if I see him happy in fact, I am happier. I can see him do what he wants freely without hurting me and at the same time he is there for me. A good man who knows your worth even for once he hurt you, always deserves a woman who will understand him for the rest of his life and sure thing, someday, you woman will be surprised, because that man who you loved for a long or short time but for real, will love you the way you do not need to ask for. 

Oh, Life! Oh, Love!

Being in love with someone is one of the best feeling I could say that exists inside and out of me as a human. 

For me, love is not just love. It is where I can find my own self, worth, and knowing what is the best that I can do for me and for the people around me. 

This morning, I watched the video that Yeng Constantino just uploaded in Facebook and she is commenting about the LGBT issue. Everything that she is saying is totally remarkable, except that there is one that I want to highlight.  "It is nice to do all things with love."

I believe on that. 

I started working here in Spain when I was 21. I am now turning 23, and yes, not working so long ago but experiences taught me to do things with LOVE. I just felt it. 

The reason why I want to connect this to LOVE is because at first, I thought I only work for myself. You know, for my own personal needs and goals, to buy gadgets, to buy all the things I want. I never loved my first job for real, but I was more than thankful to work there. Working for someone whom you really don't like was like a total torture for my body and mind. I was heartbroken working there for 9 months. But I keep pushing myself to work more because I have goals in life that I wanted to achieve. Basically, it is still love; love for my self. Though before, I do not really know what is my self worth. Why I am doing this for, why I am here. And I was like, being from a girl full of dreams to a clueless-going-with-the-flow-weak-lonely girl. 

I realized, when you are heartbroken, you are doing things just to prove everybody that they have wronged you while you are there tired and restless. You only want to prove them wrong and ended up feeling that you are only quarelling with your self. For that, you seek for a love that will lift you higher than you are. The feeling is really bad. You feel that no one likes you. No one appreciates you. No one is willing to fight for you. Then I met God. 

I am shouting to the world how loved I am today. Firstly, Loved by God. Everything has changed. From being weak, to being strong mentally, physically and emotionally. I never imagined how great this life is. Even I met the person I can consider my soulmate. And everything that I am doing today is done with love. It is like a fantasy if you are going to think about it, but this is real. I feel the love of God so I am feeling like everybody loves me too because the Love I have today is not just Love for my self but also for the people around me who appeared to be the instruments of Jesus and helps me all through out my journey. Amazing. Cannot even cry of sadness but crying of joy and thankfulness. I even took everything on the positive sides and it is helping me a lot for my everyday life. I became wider, a wide minded person who can understand and appreciate whatever is coming. 

I am working for love, with love and because of love. I still have my own goals, but my main goal is to help the people I loved first before helping my self-My family. 

I always thank my boyfriend for coming into my life but I am more thankful to God that He answered my prayer to give me this wonderful man that I am proud of. If, and only if, I do not love my boyfriend, I will not be this happy and content. I will not count the things that I am doing for him, but he knows exactly what are they even without telling. 

Sometimes, i must admit that I can feel a little sadness but it will not last. Having a boyfriend that works in a cruise ship is not easy, I need to be independent and know how to make my self happy without him. It is like, "i love you but i need to let you go" feeling. Hehe. Really. 

For an instance, if he is not working in a cruise ship, or if we are both in Philippines, everything would be the same too as he is a Chef. I already prepared myself for that from the beginning that I need to be used to living without him. Obviously, chefs are working harder during special days. But because of LOVE, I can bare it. 

I will close this blog with a qoutation,

"A woman can only stand by her own, if she have a man whom she can lean on when her feet cannot move on."

-Jhevey Razon

Instagram: jheveyrzn24/jheveyrrzn24

Twitter: jhvyrzn24

Facebook Page: LDR Feels 

Kumusta ang Valentine's Day namin ni Kerk?

May ilang nag aabang nito at may ilang dedma lang naman. Pero gusto kong magkwento at wala 'kong pake kung may audience ako o wala. Haha. This is my digital journal. Kung saan nakakapagsulat ako kahit madilim ang paligid. 😁

Eto ang Valentine's na nakaramdam akong totoong may nagmamahal sa akin. 

May kwento ako mga tropa. Kumusta nga kaya ang 1st Valentine's Day namin ni Kerk? 😂

Eto. Lamang sya ng 2hrs saken. Mahirap pala. Akala ko, okay yung sya ang nauuna ng oras mas okay palang hindi. Dahil di pa ko tapos sa trabaho, eh nauuna na sya. Pagod na sya at antok bago pa ko maka chat ng maayos. 

So February 13, tumawag ako sa kanya mga 8:17PM sakin. Sakanya, 10:17PM na. Sa wakas sinagot ng receptionist at kinonekta ako sa cabin nila..kaso ang sumagot eh si kuyang roommate. Wala daw don si kerk. Kakalabas lang daw. Sabi ko...okay...tatawag ako uli mamaya. 

Inulit ko. Mga 8:44PM. Nagconnect ulit. Pero walang sumagot. End call.

10PM sa time ko, tumawag ako uli. 12Midnight na don. Sa isip isip ko, baka nasa kwarto na. 

Si kuya uli ang sumagot. Wala pa daw. Nasa party daw. Si kuya na lang ang binati ko ng Happy Valentines. Napatawa nga sya kasi sya ang binati ko. Haha! Goodnight daw sabe nya. Sabi ko pakisabi na lang din kay Kerk. Oo daw. 

Feb.12, sinabi nga pala sakin ni Kerk na may party sila kinabukasan. Nakalimutan ko lang. Excited kasi ako eh. 1st Valentine's namin. Lam nyo na. Girls problems. 😂 kelangan masaya kahit di mo kontrol ang pagkakataon.

Anyways, so ayon. Ang ending di ko nakausap. 

Nauunawaan ko. Masaya ako kasi andon sya. Pero may kirot di ga. Alam naman nyang Valentine's di ga. Baka sobrang saya lang don sa party kaya di ako naalala. Pero di ako galet. Nauunawaan ko. Kahit siguro ako yung andon, makakalimot din ako at di naman ako agad agad makakaalis lalo na kung party ng buong team yon. (Palakpakan ang understanding gf! Natutunan ko lang yan. Swerte nya sakanya ako nagkakaganito. Haha!) 

February 14,2016. 2:40PM sa oras ko. Sa kanya, 4:40PM. Gising na yon siguro dahil natutulog yon kapag tanghali. 

Nag connect ang tawag ko. Salamat naman! At ayon. Aantok antok nga ang boses nya. Nagising lang sa tawag ko. Magoonline daw sya sa gabi. 

Excited naman ako. Syempre sa wakas makakausap ko na sya. Ang saya! 

Di naman kasi ako naghahangad ng mga gifts, flowers at kung anu-ano ngayon. ORAS lang, masaya na ako. Ang mahal kaya ng 1hr internet nyang mabagal pa sa pagong. £5. Haha! Di man lang maka view yon ng pictures sa FB. Buti at nakakaya ang videocall kahit choppy. 

So ayon. Mga 8:30PM sakin nag Online. Hay. Kaso sabe nya, magpapaayos daw sya ng tattoo. Magvideocall daw kami kahit tinatatuan sya. Nainis ako. Bakit kelangan isabay? Di ga? Wag nyang sabihing pagod sya para ipagpaliban ko ang tampo ko, eh nagpapatattoo pa sya. Haha. So ayon. Nagtampo ako kasi di ako ang inuna. Hindi nya pala alam na tumawag ako nung gabe sa kanya. Di pala sinabe ng roommate nya. Baka bitter na rin. Baka naiinggit at madalas may natawag kay kerk tapos sa kanila wala. Hehe. Malay ko kung ganon ang eksena don. Ang galing galing kaya ng Mahal ko sa trabaho, kaya madaming naiinggit don eh. Char! De, totoo talaga. 

Nagtampo ako. Nagoffline sya at sayang daw ang oras. Tas di naman din nakatiis. Nag online uli. Nagsosorry. Naglalambing. Tinatarayan ko. Nilalambing ako. Haha. Ang saya ko kasi ngayon lang kami nagkatampuhan. Sa totoo lang di ako nalulungkot ngayong Valentine's na nagkatampuhan kami. More on masaya ko dahil nakikilala pa namin ang isa't isa kapag nagkakatampuhan. As in! Tapos nagka videocall kami ng 3mins...kasi kakain ako nun kaya sabe nya kumain muna daw ako. Kitang kita kong antok na antok na sya. Eh di ba nga lamang sya ng dalawang oras. Kaya ayon. Atleast, kahit parehas kaming pabebe...may nagpakumbaba. At sya yon. Akala ko lalaban pa eh. Haha!  Pero ang saya ko. Promise. Eto ata ang Valentine's na kakaiba ang natanggap kong gift. Gift of giving, understanding, loving. Eto ang Valentine's na nakaramdam akong totoong may nagmamahal sa akin. Kasi yung madalas namang mangyare sa mga ganitong araw, magbibigayan ng regalo tapos, tapos na. After nun, wala na. Eh eto. Iba para sakin. Hihi. Ang cute nya pala maglambing. Haha! Ang sarap yata magtampo madalas pag ganito. Lol. 

 Kasi ito ang Valentine's ko na walang halong kaplastikan. Parehas kaming nagpakatotoo. Ang saya. Hihi. Dun mo naman makikita yun eh sa mga tampuhan.  Di ba :)

Yung feeling na.. Ganito pala kami magkatampuhan. 😂😍 lalo ko tuloy minahal yon. Haha kung tutuusin ang babaw lang ng dahilan pero di nya sinabing mababaw ako or what. Naunawaan din nya ko. La lungs. Panis ang flowers at kung anu-ano ng iba dyan. Love. Pure love ang natanggap ko. ❤️

Good night! ❤️❤️❤️

Drama?

Drama ga kamo?
Sadyang madrama ako. Mas gusto ko pang ipost yung mga masasayang nangyayari araw araw sa buhay ko kaysa sa mga hindi. Kung drama ang lahat ng ipopost ko baka madami ng galit saakin.

Ayoko kasi nung mga nakikita kong rants at bad vibes sa newsfeed ko. Ayoko gumaya sa kanila.

Hindi ko alam. Pero siguro kung paguusapan natin ang buhay ko ngayon, baka mag breakdown ako sa harapan mo anytime. Dahil mahirap talaga.
Dahil kahit anong saya mo, kapag binalikan mo yung mga nangyari sayo sa buong maghapon kada uuwi ka ng gabi, nakakaiyak na pala. Para ka na palang makina. Kaya kaylangan talagang maging masaya ka palagi. Kasi kung hindi, malulusaw ka ng buhay. Liliit ang utak mo. Wala kang magagawang matino.

Kagaya ng buhay ko noon. Pero tapos na ko dun. Kung ibabalik ko ngayon lahat ng mga alaalang 'yon baka mabadtrip lang ako.

Pero sa bandang huli maiisip mo.
"Tangina, nakaya ko yun? Ang tapang ko pala. Ang tatag ko pa pala."

Mga bagay na hindi ko akalaing nalampasan ko noon at mga bagay na hindi ko akalaing nagagawa ko ngayon.
Salamat sa pag-ibig sa totoo lang.

Salamat sa pag-ibig.

Na hindi ka nakakaramdam ng pagod.
Na natututo kang bumangon sa pagkakadapa.
Na natututo kang magmahal sa sarili mo.
Na natututo kang maging maamo at mawalan ng galit sa kaloob-looban mo.
Na natututo kang magbalik-loob sa Panginoon ng hindi mo namamalayan.

Love will keep us alive. Iba ibang klaseng love na hindi mo aakalaing nag-e-exist.
Malapit pa naman ang Valentine's Day.
Kagaya ng pasko, lagi nating i-feel ang araw na 'to. Dahil hindi lang to siguro para sa mga LOVERS. It is about loving yourself too.